fwoofing

I used to draw a forking lot, but then I had a literal nervous breakdown. There was a variety of problems at the time, but one of the issues I tend to downplay is how badly it affected my art.

I had minor obsessive-compulsive tendencies when it came to drawing prior to my breakdown - they sucked, but they were tolerable. During my breakdown, however, they became crippling. Art was unbearable, torturous even, because it was never "right".

Taking a break would have probably been for the best, but I had an artist alley coming up, so I HAD to draw. I'd spend hours a day fixing the tiniest, most unnoticeable details (such as single pixel of color being outside the lines) while a voice in my head (whom I call Ciel) constantly screamed "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!" I tried everything within my power to appease the voice, and I never could. I could quiet it down, but it never shut up. And like I said, it was completely unnoticeable details, but they HAD to be fixed. The problem with obsessive-compulsive behaviors is they are completely illogical. I had to get it right because if I didn't do it right then I was a failure, my life was pointless, I was a disgrace to my family, etc.

After that experience art has never been the same. It's the reason I don't draw much anymore. It's not fun. Ciel is always there. The rules have changed and he's not so loud, but he's still there reminding me about how I'm not doing it right, how everyone hates my art, how everyone hates me, and how I should do it more like so-and-so (which is why I have a problem with consistency, lol).

So if you ever wonder why I don't update a lot, that's why. I pretty much only draw anymore if I'm doing conventions.